What is My American Life?

As a bi-racial woman in America my life has been complicated.  Raised by my white Mom and grandmother, who was originally from the south (but not racist BTW) it has taken me time to allow my African heritage to blossom.  The marriage of my parents was unfortunately short lived due in no small part to being an interracial couple in 1963.  Though legal to marry in Oregon, it wasn't until a year later that interracial marriage was legal across the United States.  Racism is not a solely American invention.  The idea that my father had married a white woman was also considered taboo by his Kenyan family.

It wasn't until the '80s living in a small town in Washington state that I ever heard the N-word.  I was greeted with it upon moving into our new apartment.  That is a moment I'll never forget even though at the time I didn't know what it meant. But I certainly knew how it felt.  

Being the only girl of color in our middle and high schools was a terrible experience.  Though I still have some friends from that time in my life for the most part I felt out of place and was treated as if it wasn't possible that I was smart.  Since expectations were low, peer pressure was high and my home life was unstable I met those low expectations. 

But, there were exceptions.  To this day I remember Mrs. Karen Lackman who was one of the few teachers who saw past the chip on my shoulder and gave me confidence.  I also met the man I would eventually marry in that small town.  He always treated me as if I were smart, funny and special.  Racism does not exist only in the southern part of this country. 

I managed to escape that town, move to California and embark upon what I now see as a journey of healing  I learned to embrace my African heritage, found and healed some of my deepest wounds including recovering from the impact of a sexual assault in that small town and found my voice as a woman of color.  It was also there that I learned that I wasn't "black enough" to be considered a "real" black person.  Because I wasn't raised close to an African-American community I was out of step with many cultural norms and experiences from that community.  I longed to fit in but never truly have. 

I found what I had always longed for the moment I arrived in Kenya.  When my father died I travelled with my step-mother and siblings there to bury him on our family's land.  Visiting my family was one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I have ever done.  The very air felt like home and I finally understood what I had been searching for all my life.  It was not without great difficulty.  One of my elders refused to believe I was my father's daughter because of my skin color.  I was even asked to take a DNA test to prove I was related to my father in regards to my inheritance.  Because of my mixed heritage I was denied my rightful share of those lands but they are mine in my heart. 

My career has always been my outlet for my assertive personality, my passion for people, change and technology and my ambition.  I deeply believe the best revenge is a life well lived.  But that was never enough.  Over the last 20 years I have crafted a career that allows me to merge together my desire to reduce the suffering of all living beings and to use all my unique talents for the benefit of my family and society at large.  

My journey is still continuing during these tumultuous, intense and painful times.  Thank you for joining me here. 

Karuana Melora Gatimu Goggin